Creating a home
I didn’t want to leave. But the situation forced me.
I was born and raised in Yangon, Myanmar. I never thought I loved Yangon until I had to leave it behind. I hate city life so much so Yangon was never my ideal place to live in.
But I guess I’ve always been unconsciously in love with that hectic, busy, noisy, rushed city because I had to cry on the way to the airport on the day I left. I thought, I don’t know when I’ll be able to set foot on this land again.
It was a huge relief when the plane landed at Suvarnabhumi Airport in Thailand. I thought I could finally go wherever I wanted without hiding my phone; that I could sleep at night without worrying about someone coming to arrest me.
But when I walked out into the airport, I heard somebody call my name. I froze. I was shocked. I kept walking. I thought somebody had found me and would stop me from getting away. But then I immediately realised that I was not in Myanmar anymore. I turned around and saw a friend of mine calling out to me. I even told her how panicked I was just to hear my own name.
I’ve been to Thailand several times before so I’m familiar with it. I know Bangkok, I know where things are, I know how to take the bus or the BTS in Bangkok. But this time, I was insecure.
Living under the military coup for a year with constant night raids, explosions, and gunfire has made me a very anxious person. When I first got here, I didn’t even have the confidence to use an ATM or vending machine.
What if I did something wrong? What if people disapproved? Why are there so many people on the BTS train? Are they looking at me? Are they eavesdropping on my conversation? What are those cops doing at the corner? Are they arresting people? Will they arrest me?
Also, I got to Thailand around Chinese New Year so there were fireworks almost every night in Bangkok. I didn’t like it at all — it sounded too much like the bombs in my country. Bangkok was noisy and far too crowded. So I left for Chiang Mai.
Since my first day in this little city, I have fallen in love with Chiang Mai. It has every quality I love in a city: nightlife, nature, with little getaways to the mountains and a river. It has a downtown area and also many quiet, calm neighbourhoods. It’s not too crowded, not too small.
I have a few friends here and I have found many new ones. I love getting lunch, dinner, or drinks with friends. Sometimes I go hiking alone or take a long walk in the park. The mountains here have healed me. I can sit at a cool cafe for a long time and read a book or write my journal. I can cry alone in the corner of a bar and nobody will disturb me or look at me with weird eyes. I have the personal space that I could never have in my country.
It feels like this city welcomed me with a big hug and pat on my back. I feel like it is telling me “Don’t worry. You are safe here.” It’s true — I feel a lot safer here. I have fewer and fewer sleepless nights.
I am on my healing journey. I am home.